Here’s a script I wrote in 2016 because I wanted to write something easy to produce. I never produced it. I also never finished it. It is based on a few different friends’ dating experiences.
INT APT - LIVING ROOM
An elaborate display of snacks: BREAD, CHEESE, DATES, and RED WINE. It's a grown up slumber party. Kristin comes in with a CANDLE and puts it in the center of the table. She lights it. She is in her 20s and the outline of her PHONE is visible in the back pocket of her pants.
Clarissa comes in with a BOTTLE OPENER. She and Kristin are cut from the same cloth. She sees the CANDLE.
CLARISSA: Stop you are the cutest.
CLARISSA: Oh my god, yes.
CLARISSA flops down on the couch.
KRISTIN: I know. I'm done.
KRISTIN: Longest week ever.
CLARISSA: And we are going to have to do this for the rest of our lives. That's exhausting.
KRISTIN: It will calm down.
CLARISSA: I just want to live in a world where everyone doesn't say "tired" when you ask them how they are.
KRISTIN: Leave New York.
KRISTIN: At least we are getting paid.
CLARISSA: Ugh. Internships should be illegal. They are illegal.
CLARISSA: Anyway. What's our plan? Are we gonna watch something or just eat?
KRISTIN: Wait. I want to hear about Dan.
CLARISSA: Ugh, no. Dan is trash.
KRISTIN: You said that. But you didn't say why.
CLARISSA: People in New York work out too much. Or do too much grooming. You can't tell how old they are.
KRISTIN: Oh. He was old? That's not necessarily bad.
CLARISSA: He's 38.
KRISTIN: Oh. That's a little old.
CLARISSA: And the annoying part is that I look 25. And I am 25. So when you are 38, and you know you are 38, why are you asking out a 25 year old who looks visibly 25?
KRISTIN: Well, I guess because you want to sleep with a 25 year old.
CLARISSA: He's trash.
KRISTIN: I'm sorry, baby. I know you were excited.
CLARISSA: I asked him if he had kids.
KRISTIN: You did?
CLARISSA: He said: "Of course I have kids. I'm old."
KRISTIN: Points for honesty, I guess.
Kristin's phone buzzes.
CLARISSA: Is that your idiot?
KRISTIN: Yeah. I told him I couldn't do anything tonight and he's being a baby about it.
CLARISSA: They are all trash.
KRISTIN: I can't be mad at him for wanting to spend time with me.
CLARISSA: I can.
KRISTIN: It's just like he's always studying and telling me he needs to stay focused, but the one time I have plans, he's suddenly free.
CLARISSA: Look. I'm sympathetic. The MCATs are real. But your job is hard too.
KRISTIN: It's the LSATS.
CLARISSA: Very much whatever.
KRISTIN: I think that's the thing. Like because I didn't have to go to law school or I'm not curing disease it's like my job is less important.
KRISTIN: He's saying that the moon is nice.
KRISTIN: It's a little romantic.
CLARISSA: "Nice" is not romantic.
KRISTIN: It's better than crusty old man DAN.
CLARISSA: I like a man with dentures and ED.
KRISTIN: You slept with him.
CLARISSA is silent.
KRISTIN: Why do you do this?
CLARISSA: Ugh let's not talk about it. He hasn't texted me anyway so it doesn't really matter.
Kristin's PHONE buzzes again.
She reads it while CLARISSA talks.
CLARISSA: Which is a whole other question. I'm over 10 years younger, I support myself financially, I'm solidly attractive, I'm smart, I'm a good kisser and even better in bed, why wouldn't he text me?
KRISTIN: Well, there you go.
CLARISSA: No. I don't think there's anything wrong with sleeping with someone of a first date. If they're a good person, it won't matter. And if not, at least you got sex out of it.
KRISTIN: Well, there's your answer.
CLARISSA: I know.
The PHONE buzzes.
CLARISSA: Jesus. I can't even get one text and you get one every minute on the minute.
KRISTIN: Kevin is good about keeping in touch. Even when he's tired.
CLARISSA: Is he telling you about the "adequate" stars now? How "good" the night air feels?
KRISTIN: No. Just that he misses me and wants to fall asleep holding me tonight.
CLARISSA: Vomit city.
KRISTIN: I'm telling him tomorrow.
CLARISSA: I don't know how you always get the best ones.
KRISTIN: I stay away from the old ones with kids. And I don't require mine to have abs, just brains.
KRISTIN: You know what I mean.
CLARISSA: Well, I figure if they are going to treat me like shit they may as well be pretty.
KRISTIN: You are bananas and I love you.
CLARISSA: You are annoyingly perfect and I love you.
The PHONE chimes. KRISTIN flips it over.
KRISTIN: Let's just sit here. We should be good feminists and talk about something other than men.
CLARISSA: I'm going to unzip my pants.
KRISTIN: Good. Now we can really have a serious feminist conversation.
CLARISSA: Let's discuss the oppressive nature of bikini waxes.
KRISTIN: Yeah, and tight pants.
She undoes her pants, too.
CLARISSA: This is what it must feel like to have total freedom.
She eats a date. Kristin pours some wine. The PHONE chimes.
CLARISSA: Leave it. What are dates?
CLARISSA: What are dates? Are they dried other fruit? Like you know how raisins are grapes? Or are they just dates?
KRISTIN: And that is a solid feminist topic.
The PHONE chimes.
KRISTIN: I'm just going to check.
CLARISSA: I'm simultaneously jealous of the attention you get and deeply unimpressed with your self control.
KRISTIN: He says he had a really crappy day and he just wants to hang out with me. He says he "doesn't mind" that you're here.
CLARISSA: Well excuse me.
KRISTIN: This is actually a little annoying. I told him you were coming over.
CLARISSA: You mean you told him no.
CLARISSA: Well, now obviously he wants you. That's how men work.
KRISTIN: He's not like that. He just likes to hang out.
CLARISSA: Lady, you know if I hadn't slept with Dan he'd be all over me right now. They're like children. As soon as you tell them no, they have to have it.
KRISTIN: I'm telling him we are watching Gilmore Girls and that I'm going to silence my phone.
CLARISSA: That will get him. The original title for Gilmore Girls was Boner Killer.
KRISTIN: Okay. Phone silenced.
CLARISSA: Look at this strong powerful woman right here! Should we actually watch Gilmore Girls? Because now that you said it, I'm feeling stereotypical.
KRISTIN: Nothing like watching Gilmore Girls on a 16 inch laptop drinking wine with your bff.
CLARISSA: We are queens.
KRISTIN: We really are.
The BUZZER rings.
CLARISSA: You ordered pizza. You beautiful angel warrior princess.
KRISTIN: I definitely didn't. I hate when this happens. The intercom doesn't work.
CLARISSA: Just buzz them in. It's probably someone with the wrong apartment.
Kristin lifts herself up with a groan.
She picks up her phone as she gets up.
KRISTIN: Kevin texted me 6 times.
CLARISSA: That's aggressive.
Kristin unlocks her screen and looks confused. Kristin shows CLARISSA the phone.
CLARISSA: What does he mean "I'm outside?"
KRISTIN: What the fuck.
CLARISSA: He's outside?
KRISTIN: He must have just come.
CLARISSA: "Buzzzzzzz"? That's cute.
CLARISSA goes out of the room to look out the window.
CLARISSA: I can't see him. The awning is in the way.
KRISTIN: I'm going to call him.
CLARISSA: Don't. That's what he wants.
KRISTIN: He's not some random hookup. He's my boyfriend.
CLARISSA: Wow, okay. Well, I would argue that all of it's a fucking game. And if you call him, you are basically telling him he can have access to you any time even if you say no. Not that I know anything about "real" relationships since I just sleep with the Dans of the world.
CLARISSA: I apparently have a PhD in men treating women like shit. Don't call.
KRISTIN: I didn't mean it to sound like that.
CLARISSA: Whatever. Just put your phone down and let's hang out like we planned.
The BUZZER buzzes--for a long time.
KRISTIN: You are right. This is bullshit.
She looks at her phone.
KRISTIN: He says it's raining.
CLARISSA: Thanks for the meteorological update.
KRISTIN: He knew I had plans. He just assumed I'd be okay.
CLARISSA: He probably thinks it's a romantic surprise for you.
She starts texting. CLARISSA goes back to the window.
KRISTIN: Here: "I get that you came all the way over, but I didn't ask you to and you just assumed I'd let you up even though you knew I had plans. That's not respectful of me, and I feel like this is a violation of my boundaries. Please go home and we'll talk tomorrow."
KRISTIN: Now we see what he says.
CLARISSA: This is the difference between you and me. I can't get a text back and you get fucking Romeo outside in the rain with the boombox over his head.
KRISTIN: I'm actually really pissed.
CLARISSA: It's kind of funny.
The BUZZER buzzes again. It buzzes through this whole section on and off, disrupting the dialog.
CLARISSA: He's lovesick.
KRISTIN: He's disrespectful.
CLARISSA: He's going make a great lawyer.
Kristin goes to the window. Her phone lights up. The buzzer buzzes.
CLARISSA: Give me."I'm going to sleep outside your window. I don't mind that it's wet."
Clarissa marches over to the window and yells:
CLARISSA: SHE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE YOU TONIGHT! DON'T BE A STALKER!
KRISTIN: He's just a little anxious after today. This isn't normal.
CLARISSA: He's trash too.
KRISTIN: He probably does think he's being romantic.
CLARISSA: Is he?
KRISTIN: No. He's not.
CLARISSA: Then ok.
The buzzing stops.
CLARISSA: He got the hint.
KRISTIN: Men are just slow, I guess.
CLARISSA: From now on, you are going to have to put everything in a contract. "I hereby solemnly agrees to spend one weekend night with you, my significant other...blah blah blah."
Clarissa goes over and hugs Kristin.
CLARISSA: Let's sit.
KRISTIN: I'm sorry I said anything about Dan.
CLARISSA: It's ok.
KRISTIN: Men are horrible.
CLARISSA: They are trash. But we have snacks.
KRISTIN: We do. For the record, I would text you. You are an amazing catch and he's an idiot.
CLARISSA: For the record, I would respect and celebrate your wish for a night with your friend. You're a strong independent woman.
KRISTIN: You're dumb.
They hug again.
There's footsteps outside. And a KNOCK on the door.
KEVIN (outside) Kristin.
CLARISSA: Someone let him up.
KRISTIN: Someone let him up.
CLARISSA: Don't let him in. Call the police.
KRISTIN: That's crazy. I can't.
KRISTIN's phone starts to buzz. He's calling her.
CLARISSA: Don't let him in.
KRISTIN: I have to.
CLARISSA: No, you don't.