There once was a man with a long red beard and a staff that had a spiral on the end. His name was Patrick. He lived in Ireland in the...
Me: Wait, S., do you think he lived before or after Shakespeare?
S.: What years were Shakespeare alive?
Me: Doesn't matter. I'm just looking for a reference point.
S.: Before, then.
He lived in Ireland in the 13th century. If you remember, the century always denotes the years that come before it. So the 13th century was the 1200s. The 21st century is now. And the 1st century was the 0s.
Me: Do you think he had any pets?
S.: I feel like he had something little. Like a little cat or a meerkat. I don't know what they have in Ireland.
Me: What about a mongoose?
S.: What's a mongoose? I'm going to look it up. (She googles it.) Aw, he has such cute little ears! This is what I was imagining.
Anyway, St. Patrick had a pet mongoose. We all know that mongooses, also known as mongeese, are not native to Ireland, but St. Patrick was basically a saint and could get whatever exotic pets he liked.
During the 13th century, there wasn't the same stigma surrounding exotic pets. PETA wasn't founded until the late 17th century.
St. Patrick's mongoose was named Harold O'Connor or Colin. S. can't make up her mind.
Anyway, Harold O'Connor Colin and St. Patrick would patrol the countryside on Sundays. One day, they noticed a shit ton of snakes literally eating the sheep. In Ireland, there are a lot of stone walls and lots of sheep. The snakes were bursting out of the cracks in the stones and attacking the sheep with such bloody vengance that Patrick had to avert his eyes.
"What are all these carnivorous snakes doing here? I thought we only had little garter snakes in Ireland!"
"All snakes are carnivorous!" Harold O'Connor Colin said. "And garter snakes only live in North America."
"What's North America?" Patrick asked. "These snakes must be a plague from God then."
"Why would God send snakes? We don't even have snakes here in Ireland."
"Well, you technically don't belong here either."
Harold O'Connor Colin shook his little furry head. Then he turned on his tail and raged war against the snakes with such ferocity that he was able to defeat an entire plague singlehandedly.
When he limped back to Patrick, he was covered in the blood of his conquests. "What's up now?" Harold O'Connor Colin said. "Now I should get to sleep in the big soft hay bed and you can sleep on the floor in the corner."
"That was impressive," Patrick said. "But no one will ever believe that you did that. You are just a tiny furry foreign creature."
"They will if you tell them," Harold O'Connor Colin said.
"No. They will think I'm crazy."
So St. Patrick told all the people he drove he snakes away with his magical staff and the power of God. They sainted him and now people wear green and get drink and dye the river and have parades to celebrate.
S: What about the four leaf clover?
Me: What about it?
S: Don't they say it is good luck to find a four leaf clover on St. Patrick's day? Or is that just any day? Are there even such things as four leaf clovers? I've never seen one.
Me: There are.
S.: I must not have good luck then.
Me: I feel like four leaf clovers have to do with lepricons and rainbows and gold.
S: I always imagined St. Patrick looked like a lepricon.
Me: Maybe he's the most famous lepricon of all.
S. (Googles how to spell "lepricon") That's not how you spell lepricon. You spell it "LEPRECHAUN." Originally, they wore red.
Me: Everything is a lie.